Yesterday I got my first injection of testosterone! I'm starting with a .5mL dose of 1,000mg/10mL every week. My best friend went with me and filmed it!
Although the shot itself wasn't that exciting and I didn't feel any different after, yesterday was a big day for me. Top surgery was never really a question -- I was going to get into matter what because it had no effect on my athletics. And it only changed my chest, a very concrete and simple change. But testosterone was a larger mental battle for me. There are lots of unknowns, lots of time-dependent factors, and it will change everything about my body. I knew I wanted the effects -- the voice drop, the body shape, the muscle growth -- but I had a lot of personal conflict with being essentially medicated for the rest of my life, as well as fear of what it would do to my swimming and the implications of taking a steroid in athletics. But I've worked through my fears and I'm learning every day how to accept myself more. Ultimately, I want to stop hiding my body from myself and that is reason enough that I am no longer pre-T!
Now I wait with open arms and a ready, but tentative smile, for the journey -- in all of its defeat, triumph, tears, and laughter-- to come.